I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
