My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
