so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
