I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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