Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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