apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
