you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
