Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
