im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
