I want to make a zoo with you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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