Jerry, you need to find god
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
