I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
