He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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