there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
