it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
