I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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