sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
