: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what day is it and did you see me today?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
