Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
