Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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