Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
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