I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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