I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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