all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
