I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
