dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
