I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
