my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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