You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
