the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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