he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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