??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
