He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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