i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
