The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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