i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
