I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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