I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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