I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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