You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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