i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
