Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
