I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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