The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
3 2 1 whiskey
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
