I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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