I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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