Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
