I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
