when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
