if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
